Carter's first example was that of a husband confessing to his wife on his death bed that 35 years earlier he had been unfaithful to his wife. He gave this example to show that honesty can be "fake honesty- or it is honest but irrevelevant and perhaps even immoral." What he meant by that is that a person may be being honest, but it is too little too late. Being honest at this point causes more harm to other people than good. People try to use this "honesty" to make themselves feel better, but do not think about the harm that it can cause other people.
I would have to say that I definitely agree with Carter's reasoning. He provided a perfect example. Yes, the husband was honest with his wife before he died. He harbored a lot of bad feelings and guilt throughout the years for keeping this secret from his wife. I think the husband was selfish to drop this bomb on his wife just before he died. He wanted to clear his conscience before his passing, but in doing this he caused a great deal of hurt and pain to his wife. He ruined the image that she had had of her husband as a loving and loyal man. This could possibly cause her to harbor ill feelings towards him, even if she forgives him. It can also cause her to have problems trusting people down the road.
I actually have a personal experience with this type of thing. My 3 year olds father passed away when she was 10 months old. Before he died, he told me that he had not been faithful to me the year and a half that we had been together. It broke my heart. I thought that he had been faithful to me. Him telling me that brought up a huge amount of mixed feelings. I was glad that he did tell me, but I was very angry and hurt that he was unfaithful to me. I know that I shouldn't because he is no longer alive, but I find myself harboring ill feelings towards him. It gets really hard sometimes because we had common friends. It is hard when they talk about missing him, but all I can think about is what he did to me. I have to try to put those feelings aside when I am around those friends so that I do not upset them. It will be hard when my daughter is old enough to be told what happened to her father. I will have to try to keep these ill feelings that I have towards her father from showing so that she does not have a bad image of her father because he did love her very much. So, I definitely agree with Carter that people should not be selfish, and need to think about how their actions and words will affect other people.
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI think your example gets to the heart of Carter's argument against the husband; he tells her the truth at a time when there is little space for her to work through her feelings of anger. Instead, she's left to grieve her husband, while probably feeling anger and resentment. It isn't fair that, as you write, he drops a "bomb" on her and then dies. Having integrity means doing what is "right" even if it means there's "a personal cost." Her husband wasn't willing to accept the "cost" of his infidelity.
I'm amazed that you had a similar experience. When I read Carter's essay, I hoped that it was purely made up and not something a person would ever do to a loved one. I'm sure you've reflected on your experience and see this particular example with that knowledge in mind.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Take care,
Lauren
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteWow, that story must have brought up a lot of feelings for you. When I responded to it I wrote "it's one of those situations you have to live before you can even elaborate becasue it's such an intense feeling of dishonesty and such." It was a very selfish act on his part and I am sorry that you experienced a similar situation.
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to go through that, it must be very surprising to have read a story you can relate to in almost the exact way, like you have just relived the moment. It is hard to accept what would have been the right thing to do. I can't imagine exactly what the feeling would be like, but I know it will cause a lot of mixed emotions, and the image of what was there before will be shattered, just trying to piece it all back together. The consequences of integrity, it has its goods and bad reputation.
Hello Michelle,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is Wow! You are a strong and smart girl to protect your daughters feeling that way. It is something that is not easy to do and takes alot of conscious effort to put your feeling aside for the sake of your child. I also agree with you on the article. This has to be a classic example how honest is not the best policy. There are certainly situations in which honesty can hurt others tremedously and do more harm that good.
I commend you for sharing your personal example and for your strength.
Mandy Ericson